My step-father died recently.  Unexpected.  The experience has been very difficult for my family.  The emotions evoked through the loss of a loved one are nearly impossible to understand, let alone control as they are expressed.  In an effort to heal, I would like to explore some of the words and emotions that arose during the week I stayed with my family; a most trying time for us all.

Empty.  I cannot speak for my family, but my world seems flat.  Colorless.  Confusing.  Shattered. My life will never be the same.  Altered without my permission.

Grief.  The ache in the belly.  Inability to breath.  Blinking becomes difficult.  Exhaustion.  When grieving, we become motionless and time has a way of standing still.  For some, they revert to expressing joy for relief.  A memorable toast of champaign or a party to send off the soul.  Sometimes the only way back to sanity while grieving is to become insane and to lose it all so as to make way for the new way of being.

Unity.  People united to help each other through the muck and mire of making immediate decisions during such a horrible time.   People coming together for the life of those surviving.  To help heal.  To help live.  Knowing we are not alone enables us to cope.

Trust.  To trust that others are capable of doing for us when perhaps we cannot.  To trust others to care for us when we are at our most vulnerable. To trust that we will be okay without our loved one.  Trusting our Higher Power that all is as it should be.  Trust requires the release of control.

Secrets.  They are private.  The exposure of a secret can be painful and can overshadow the beauty and joy that one contributes to the world when they are alive.  Dusty magazines stuffed under the seat of an old chair, money no one knew about saved in a bank account, a card or letter found that expresses love from someone the survivors never knew. Secrets are private and should be kept so, even after passing ... but it's hard not to look, not to know, not to share.

Anger.  Quick and sudden in expression.  Usually dripping in judgement.  Deep are its cuts.  Making all vulnerable.  Purging and clearing the slate of all that is confining, constricting, too truthful, too hurtful.  Committed under a subconscious effort to move on.

Comfort.  The holding of a hand, a hug, or the look that passes between two knowing souls.  To come together and comfort each other with stories of a person's impact upon this earth are expressions of kindness, of love and bring warmth and light into the cold darkness of loss.

Compassion.  Forgiveness.  For all the moments that weren't stellar, but human.  For all the moments that might not have been great, but were just "good enough."  Understanding that we each have the right to live our lives as we see fit and not according to another's point of view.  Knowing that with time, the greatness of this soul will far outlive its struggles.

Celebration.  Honor.  Joy.  These words go together for me because they were expressed together in regard to my dad.  We celebrated his life and his love.  We gathered together and remembered him in the best of light.  The light of love.

Exhaustion. The mind and heart grow tired and weary of having to feel...to make sense...to be polite...to hug and to hold.  To cope.  To know ... to know about death is exhausting.

Acceptance.   To know there is nothing we can do to change what has happened.

Continuation.  As we all heal from this experience of great loss, we are nudged by the Universe to continue.  To live a little more deeply, with more intention and care.  To value each other a little bit more and to know that the gift of life is but a fleeting one, so we had better make the best of it while we can and hold tight to that which is of most importance to each of us, whatever that may be.

Turning Changing Realizing Accepting Becoming

Recently I had a birthday - sigh -

My father and step mother, my beautiful
sisters and me.

However, it didn't start out with a sigh but a giggle.  Beginning with a 7:00 a.m. wake-up call to breakfast with my friends the Greenbergs.  We met at a delicious little pancake house in the Ranch.  Larry chose the decadent dutch pancake that rises sky high before falling flat, exhausted and ready to be consumed...dressed with an ample sprinkling of powdered sugar; food for the soul.  Yvonne and I also experienced a touch of the naughty, ordering omelets stuffed to capacity with goodies that would make anyone overeat while still taking half home for later snacking.

We greeted each other as if we had met the previous week only it had been months...many months since we had seen each other.  This is the experience great friends have.  Duties, family and careers can pull us apart, but love snaps us back into place, even if it is for brief moments captured here and there in the business and messiness of living life.

Looking beautiful, these two friends of mine, had joy and laughter and sarcasm adorning the air around them. We talked about current family events...updates on everyone.  Talked about business challenges, soulful heartaches and the promises of the future.  My friends.  A successful couple in all ways possible.  Brave, strong and fun.  Two peas in a pod, enhance the promise of love for me.  One can only hope to attain the bond of friendship and love they exhibit between them.

My ma'ma, Whacky Jackie

So this is how I began my day.  My special day.  Well.  The rest of the day was filled with rest, contemplation, walks and text messages from my family and friends.  How lovely.  People don't really do cards any more, and so there was none of that.  Just quiet reflection with a happy heart.

I thought about the challenges of the past year (my birthday occurs in January and so it is my time to review and set goals); what I had learned seemed so small compared to the obstacles that seemed insurmountable at the time.  And, the goals I have set for this new year are just as important...and as overwhelming.


Last year I cleaned my friendship house, so to speak.  I moved past some toxic experiences and friendships with guidance and wisdom through the internet, a counselor and my mother...my wise, and beautiful mother.  Sending friends on their way; separating can be difficult but made easier when you know it is the best for all concerned. Closing the door as if to guard my heart.  But in this process, making room to let the light of new friendships in....I have grown so strong and well, stable.

Making new friends, being more selective has been fun.  More intentional.  Better.  Finding friends who not only match my interests but may also challenge me, and I them.  I have a diverse and interesting group and am grateful for every one of them...albeit,
scattered across the globe.

One of my paintings in progress...

My goals for this next year involve more "art parties" at my home, blog entries, and writing gigs as well as painting gigs.  I have published artwork and also an article last year with the intention of combining my ability to paint with my ability to write.  There will be a new website designed to support these two ambitions.  I would like to interview interesting people.  To share them with the world.  Not the ones who are already "out there" but to share with the reader someone who could be living next door.  Someone who lost their mother at an early age and overcame the thread of abandonment that coursed through her life as she went on to accomplish great things from one country to the next.  I would also like to elevate my style of painting by bringing the element of story telling into the compositions.  My style is rather clean.  "Brought down to the basics," an avid surveyor of my work shared at my art show last year.  I'm rather minimalistic.  I'm finding people want more.  And so I will stretch and grow in this regard.  My first attempt is on the right:

And so I invite you.  Come with me on this journey.  I'm happy you are interested.  It will require living deeply: Getting involved.  Embracing the messy and then making order out of "it."  Seeing Humor in all things.  And then laughing. Being intentional.  Accomplishing joyous achievements.  Sprinkling in a little sarcasm.  Being positive - even when it hurts.  Moving through experiences.  Letting go.  Creating.  Hoping.  Designing.  Searching.  Enlightening........hey!  I've only got 30 or so good years left so, let's get cracking!

A Gesture of Kindness

Holidays can suck big time at the airport.  Socked-in airfields, delayed flights and lots of pushing.

As I ran to catch my connecting flight to Minneapolis from San Francisco, I began to lose breath.  The excitement of the Holidays had mounted and I wanted to do everything in my power to get to my connecting flight before its departure…I was 45 minutes behind schedule…didn’t want to make a mistake and so I ran down the corridor toward gate 72 with my luggage, computer bag and purse. 

As I rounded the corner and arrived at the gate, I was greeted by the most handsome of men. Oh yeah!  There were passengers all around and I had a beautiful man ready, able and absolutely willing to share the great news that our flight had not yet departed.  Catching my breath, I thought this was the greatest of tidings.  My friendly greeter realized I was out of breath and offered me a bottle of water.  I graciously accepted and began to guzzle the refreshment, albeit as delicately as possible.

We were enjoying small talk when I began choking due to the challenge of drinking and talking at the same time.  Ugh, I thought, in front of this most handsome and classy guy, I’m dying before his eyes.  A polite “excuse me” to use the bathrooms and off I went with tears running down my face and the inability to speak because of my situation. 

Upon my return he smiled and told me it was okay – to breath and relax and that all is well.  Calmed and refreshed, I boarded the plane ahead of him.  Instantly I felt relieved and somewhat calmed.  Our seats were a few rows apart…however, I felt connected and confident I would have no further choking (believe me when I say, I was coughing a good ten minutes).  We were going to make it to Minneapolis after all and I would live to see it.  Yay!

It’s so nice to have the Holiday Spirit in our hearts as we make our journeys to reconnect with loved ones over dinners fantastic, memories revisited and stories of promise.  As I look forward each year to this holiday season, I am reminded of the small gestures of kindness that can be so easily given and so gratefully received.

With joy in my heart, and a clear throat, I leap into the next year!  Thanks Mohamed for the refreshing water, peaceful state of being and your kind, beautiful face in the crowd.  In the Spirit of Giving I shall remember your gesture to help a traveler in need, and Merry Christmas!

Love Letter Found

I have been working in a home that has recently changed ownership.  Making things beautiful: plastering a wall to match existing venetian plaster; ensuring there is congruity throughout the bones of the home; tinting metals, chandeliers; waxing built-ins and painting frames of mirrors to look as if they'd been 100 years in a French Chateau.  This has been a huge task but one that I just love, to no end, ensuring the home is ready for my clients - its new owners.


A few days ago, I was sanding the edges of some drawers I had painted a soft creamy white and saw something in the bottom of the cabinet.  I reached in and my fingers grazed the edges of an envelope.  I pulled it out, dusted it off and opened it.  I read the most touching sentiment from a wife to her husband.  The card was a beautiful champagne color with glitter and the foil from a champagne cork with a grosgrain ribbon on threaded on the left side.  Very elegant.  A satiny feel under my fingers as I turned the page; apparent that love was in the choice of this card.

As I read the the promising message, my heart clenched.  You see, the previous owner of the home had been in the middle of a renovation when her husband passed away.  He had been the love of her life and when I had met her, I could feel the weight of her loss and the burden of having to quickly move on with her home and her life.

In my hand was a letter of love and hope for the coming year.  So beautifully written.  So mature in its sentiment.  It must have been in the bottom drawer as a keepsake.  Dated a couple years prior, I imagine it was very special for him to keep it.  I felt fortunate to witness such a love that comes with maturity.

Sitting in the room, with paint up to my elbows, sandpaper on the floor, and dust floating through the air, I wondered about the magic of this moment and what I should do with this special message of promising plans, hope and deep abiding love.  Should I find her address and mail it to her with the message of where I found it - letting her know he had kept it?  Should I leave it in the bottom of the cabinet for the next person to find - maybe fifty to a hundred years from now?  Or should I just make note of it, cherish the moment and toss it in the trash - perhaps saving her from reliving the grief of her loss?  hmmmmm......

What would you do?

Convenience Stores

Convenience Stores.  It's been a long time since I heard those two words....but I've been thinking lately about words and their meanings...about convenience stores and how they have changed over the years.  When I was a young girl, the convenience store in our neighborhood was Brooks.  Down West River Road from our house about 1/2 a mile or so.  A good walk for kids looking to spend their allowance on slow pokes, rocket candy and ice cream bars.  Brooks was the place where most kids tried their hand at steeling for the first time and most were caught and forgiven if the items stolen were returned.  The place where first time cigarette and condom purchases were attempted, as well.  A few ruffians would hang out by the ice machine and smoke, watching girls coming and going.

The convenience store was also the place where one went to gladly part with a few more pennies for the convenience of a loaf of bread or gallon of milk at nine o'clock at night.  Sometimes referred to as the corner store, they all had personality or something that defined them as part of what was known to be your neighborhood.  Our store (sense the ownership?) carried a butcher in the back and we would order the most fabulous hot dogs ever made!   The meat would be ground and cased right there in the shop.  The excitement and the smell (I know...sounds weird but they would add spices I still can smell) would be the pre-empt to our Friday night dinner.  I no longer eat meat but if one of those dogs was in front of me, I would make exception!  :) yum.

Usually, I would feel claustrophobic at Brooks, as I was so small when I was a kid - still am rather short at 4'11".  I would be face-to-face with merchandise, peoples legs usually dodging the occasional careless smoker as their hands would brush by my head with lit cigarettes between their fingers.  A unique ambiance, there was the smell of beer in isle 6 and the smell of chocolate donuts in isle 2 and bleach in isle 4 - all laced with the ever-present smell of tobacco.  The lights buzzed and there were always flies trying to get out of the store by way of the solid glass paned windows.   A place where the men from the neighborhood would make a quick run to the store last for an hour as they groused about this and that with "the old lady" at home or brag about the winning touch-down Johnny who's-it got at last Friday night's game.

As I became a teenager, I found the convenience of running to the store for last minute things a saving grace.  Pads of paper, pens, tampons - usually hidden amongst the pads of paper and pens, and the occasional can of Tab.  It was great having this little store in the neighborhood.

Somehow, we have lost the quaintness of having the cashier know your name and that of your folks. No longer a store owned by a family for two or three generations where you could buy a few groceries on trust until pay day.  Now it's all about coupons and vitamins and drugs.  There really isn't anything personal about our stores today as they are just a place that sucks the money out of our wallets as quickly as possible so that we can be on our way in our busy days.

Do you have a favorite convenience store memory?

Putting myself out there!

Isn't Life Grand?

My life is and always has been charmed by events that come full circle in some way or another.  It's fun to look back and see the threads that weave the most amazing chapters in my life.  Like the time, when I was in radio, and met Robert Hayes when he was touring and promoting the movie "Airplane."  Thirty years later, I meet him at a friends dinner party and learned they went to school together.  :)  Full circle.   Fun.   Insightful.

Well, here's a story that will definitely give you a tingle up your spine:

My father's grandfather was an immigrant from Belgium.  His name was Albert Van Overberghe and at this time, 1914, his residence was in Manhattan.  He was married to my great grandmother Julia who was from Paris...they had met on a ship bound for America.  He found work with Barnum and Bailey Circus as a high wire act and a clown.  Attached are two photos of him at that time....in costume as both the high wire performer and the other as the clown (I think he looks like Jack Nicholson in his clown garb!).

Who would ever think that decades later, on the opposite side of the United States, his great granddaughter, me, would end up working for Mr. Barnum's offspring as an artist painting woodgrain on his study door in his home in Pacific Palisades, CA?   We had a good laugh about it as we connected the dots between our families.

  Here's to you, Great Grandpa Albert!

I Saved A Life Today!

I SAVED A LIFE TODAY!  Well, okay, it wasn't a human life but it was the smallest of little birds, the hummingbird.  While painting a vanity in one of my clients' homes, I heard the soft sound of what seemed like fingers patting against a window.  Rounding the corner, I looked up and saw a hummingbird caught in the skylight in the foyer.

Climbing a ladder, barely being able to reach up, I coaxed the little bird into grasping my index finger.  Slowly and steadily I moved down the ladder with this tiny creature hanging on for its dear life.  As I cleared the skylight dome, it took off and flew right into one of the window panes which caused both my client and I to draw deep breaths of desperation.

As the bird tried to pierce through the glass with its long needle-like beak, the dog began barking, rushing at it and forcing additional panic.  My client held her dog, Starbucks, firmly by the shoulders and I once again coaxed the small little bird onto my finger.  I could feel it's heart beating but it sat still - as if to rest - and we then proceeded to walk outside into the courtyard.

hummingbird in middle of picture

 I realized this little creature wanted to rest and so I stood in the courtyard for what seemed like 5 minutes but was probably a few seconds and allowed the sacredness of what had just occurred to sink in.  As the bird flew away I thought about the concept of not being able to get to where you can see you need to be and not being able to understand what holds you back when it appears nothing is there.  hmmmmm.....something to ponder as I finish out my artful day.

NEW NOW Moments

In March of 2013, my new home came into view and materialized.  A beautiful little apartment in the lower part of a house on an acre of land overlooking Vista out toward the sea.  In April, I began moving my belongings into the new space I now call home.

Over the period of sixty days, I enlisted friends to help me out here and there until everything from my storage locker had been moved in and arranged to turn the empty space into my new sanctuary.  The peace and joy I experience in my home is the comforting energy that allows me to get out into the world of busy and cooperate with on-the-fly people and the demands of that interaction.  Anyone who knows me publicly sees an energetic, usually happy, sometimes grousing, individual.  Anyone who knows me privately sees an introspective, thoughtful, happy and peaceful soul, moving slowly and methodically.

The land I live on is an acre of dry hard dirt that demands major maintenance and continual upkeep if plants and trees are going to survive.  I have done my best to plant a few gardens near my deck and patio area and to plant fruit trees and rose trees/bushes on the property in general.  It's coming along.  My landlord resides in the upper part of the home six months out of the year and so maintaining the property has become my responsibility while he's gone.    He is a kind and interesting man who always needs to be digging a hole in order to be happy.  Which, I believe, is great because it gives this retired dad of two adult daughters something to do 6 months out of the year when he's not visiting them.  And so, it is time for him to return to the property.

It has surprised me, taking something like this on in my life after spending two years traveling for work.  It's time in my life for this change in regard to the aspects of commitment and time management for something outside myself (like gardening and maintaining the land).  It's a welcomed change that is bringing security and enhancing my self confidence at just being and existing quietly with nature.

My business is changing and I find I am working less with decorative painting IN homes/estates/businesses and more creating decorative paintings and fine art.  I'm excited about this change and am affecting the change rather quickly.  Having discovered my interest in sculpting, I'm joining the Foundary in Fallbrook to begin creating work for which I already have buyers.  The loss of a sculpture I had been working on at another studio, my first one, was a devestating blow to my progress as an artist and to my client who wanted to purchase it.  The instructor/owner of the studio, who will remain nameless, destroyed it.  I will not get into the details here, who can get into the head of someone who is so defunct as to commit such an aggressive and devious act such as that?~  The loss of my sculpture was shocking to me.  Ah, I will always remember her; I was sculpting Mathilda of Tuscany.  Adjusting to this loss was quick and positive.  I found a new home to sculpt in (the Foundry) and a new-found freedom with the process and subject matter.  Ahhh, Mathilda, I will remember her always.

I've joined a pool league - 9ball- on Sunday nites.  Happen to be quite good at pool.  And my coach Brian, is such a confident and talented player, it makes the game fun.

I'm learning how to make shifts and changes to accomodate the NEW NOW moments life presents and am happy to be involved and living life with this intention.    Happy to be back!

Happy Holidays

I love Christmas trees!  All the beautiful types of trees and their scents are amazing!  They stand so tall and proud in a house with their trimmings imbuing light to warm us up on chilly nights.  In my hometown, The Twin Cities, snow is a-falling and people are a-shoveling.  Two feet here and a foot there!  Nothing like it!  There is a smell to crisp nights with fresh snow.  It's amazingly magical to crunch crunch through a parking lot with gifts in your hands and love in your heart for those you hold so close.

This will be the second Christmas I've spent without a home.  Last year I was in Indonesia, although I stopped back to see my family for the holiday.  And this year, due to projects out of my current town of San Diego, I packed up my belongings and put them in storage.  Having returned to the area, I'm staying with friends who are hosting me until the next project takes me out of the area.

Stacy and her husband, Adam, are making me feel welcomed with their hospitality and the comfort of their beautiful home.  How wonderful to be able to come in after working at CCA (faux painting their offices) at Palomar Airport and seeing Stacy's decorated tree!  It just warms the heart.

Today is 12/12/12....and my nieces 21st birthday.  Yay, Lauren!   I love that her birthday is so near Christmas.  It just makes this time of year so very special.  She's special.  Intelligent and beautiful, my dear one.  I watched her come into the world and wondered what she would become as she grew....so far I am impressed!  Keep up the good work, little one!  Ha!  She towers over me by about a foot!

My nephew Brant is graduating with a Business Degree this weekend and this also makes me so proud.  As well, another nephew, Brad,  has also graduated with his degree.  I am such a proud auntie!

Okay, so I started this post out with the word Happy!  Now you know why I'm happy.  I stand just as proud as the decorated trees I see!  This season, although I'm not at home with family, I am fortunate enough to be with my friends.  How cool is that?!?  Merry Christmas everyone!

Ooohhhh!  I smell cookies baking....gotta run!

Being labeled

Don't worry little lambs, all is as it should be.

Have you ever been judged or labeled by someone you don't know and told about it?  Recently I experienced this and was taken aback for a moment, well a month.

I was staying at a friends house and from that moment on everything I did was being judged by all in the househol and myself.  Didn't matter, I was living down to the description and there was nothing I could do...it just kept getting worse.  By the time I left, I was convinced this was me.  And no longer were my actions seen as kind and confident, understanding and compassionate...they were all being scrutinized under the microscopic lens of "passive-aggressiveness."

The secret is to love, no matter what.

This started me to think about how we do this to each other, in families, communities, cities, countries, etc.  How, from the moment we are born until the moment we die, we are being labeled....

Quickly analyze.  Judge.  Push into a box. Label.  Done.  Next!

Why do we do this?  Does it make living with each other easier?  Or does it make it safer?  Are we really helping when we tell each other what we think of them?  I was raised to keep opinions to myself and to not ask questions that are private.  I was raised to not share advice unless it is invited.  I was raised to accept others as they are and to not try to change someone to be more like me, but to try and adapt to the situation...which takes time and effort.  Is that it?  Do we just not have the time nor the effort to be polite any more?  We are exposed to more people in one day than our ancestors were in a month.  Is it easier to just offend those around you so you don't have to deal with them?  A sort of protective behavior?    I don't know.

My friend Andy and me at Halloween.

With every mile I drove back from Monterey to San Diego, I released a little more of that label and by the time I got home, I was back to being myself.  Perhaps a little more self-aware, but still compassionate, patient and kind.  I do wonder, however, if this little query I've just expressed is considered passive-aggressive.  And so this is how censorship starts, isn't it?   Shake it loose, Frenchie!  Shake it loose.




I think Hanes has it right, HERE'S TO BEING LABEL FREE!

talk in the coffee shop

I'm sitting in a small cafe in Monterey, enjoying a cup of coffee (with almond milk) and listening to the patrons.  I've been working in Monterey for the Mucky Duck for a couple of weeks now.  Doing a slew of murals on their patio walls.  It has been fun and the family that owns and runs The Duck are amazing hosts!  They have made sure I am taken well care of and have been 100% upstanding clients.  We have had fun and they know how to use an artist to create the ambiance they desire.  I love my job!

Back to the coffee shop.  Lots of buzz here. Opinions are moving through the air...everything from the radical right to the conservative left is being expressed here.  Just like our world right now.  However, in the coffee shop, the patrons know how to have a discussion and how to express their thoughts.  There are no real platforms being expressed en finitem, no force, even though there may be a difference of opinion.  There are just true discussions occurring here.  I desire this to be the truth for my world...I want my world to take care of itself and to stop all this fighting.

Of course, the discussions for today have touched on the unrest around the world, slander and the United States.  It is heartbreaking to see on the news or read in the papers that there is such hatred expressed against my country.  To hear such hatred.  To know this level of hatred exists.  And to have experienced mild forms of it while abroad.   I just want to give our world a hug and say, "It will be okay, we only have each other.  Let's celebrate tolerance and acceptance.  Let's embrace each other for our differences, and do it with kindness and love."

This is the mothering side of me.  I see these horrible acts we commit against each other and wonder if we are children acting out against our "parent," the authority figure.  There is something to be said about this.  However, the consequences of our actions have to do with the loss of life, the embracing of anger and hatred...our agression and ignorance supports that which is not positive and life giving/affirming but that which denies light to exist so that life can come forward.  However, unlike a child, we have no corner to go to for a "time out" so that we can consider the consequences of our actions.  Every reaction is at the cost of life.

But what does one do when they are being bullied?  When dark clouds persist and storms rage?  Do we hunker down and wait for it to pass, much like we do with bad weather?  Or, do we hold our position and try to evoke change?  Is our desire for peace and the respect of the individual worth the loss of life?  Innocent lives are taken in the name of God, justice, peace, violence and hatred.  Haven't we learned our lessons yet, children?  Force and violence are not the answer.  Running away is not the answer either.

So what is the answer?  I ponder this with my heart and there is one resounding question that keeps coming forward and so I will leave these thoughts I have shared with you, wrapped up with this final question for all the factions of our world:

"Why does everyone have to be like you?"

Looking Back

©StudioDeeba 2012

I am sitting in bed, relaxed and day-dreaming about my final days in Jakarta, Indonesia...I remember my assistant was turning on and off a water faucet (the angel). I asked him what he was doing and he said he didn't have running water and most definitely not one as beautiful as this. He told me that his village has a communal water well and bathroom.  I wish this young man has a chance to see the rest of the world and experience as many water faucets as possible. Then again, maybe he finds peace and beauty in not having them...Maybe I am projecting my reality onto his and that is, well, not my intention.


And so these are the types of thoughts I have as I remember moments in Indonesia. Thinking about my final few days I wonder how I did it....

I miss the painters!
©StudioDeeba 2012

It was the weekend after I was scheduled to return to America and I was still working in Indonesia. I could hardly think while working and was going to have lunch with two colleagues. You see I had an infection in my lungs and had caught a fever that was raging through my system. But in Indonesia, everyone works until they just can't and I had an objective: To leave the country. I had been gone for over six months and was  now doubtful I would ever leave. My departure was delayed for several reasons and being ill was the most important one. I had to get better before I spent the grueling 24 hours of traveling to get back to my homeland.

Lunch Time!  ©StudioDeeba 2012

We went to a mall and each picked up the meal of their choice, met back at a table and sat down. These two women had become my friends and at times my adversaries. We were working under stressful conditions driven by the needs of one person we all had in common, the home owner. Through the thick and thin of it, however, we remained friends.

Fi Fang teaching me how
to eat the Indonesian Way!
©StudioDeeba 2012

One thing I've learned about Asia which doesn't seem so prevalent in America is the subtleness of a hidden agenda. It's an art here. And the more skilled one is with the art of deception, the more difficult it is to get to truth on any matter. I'm so used to being an upfront, giving and honest person that to exist in a world of smoke and mirrors is actually stressful for me. What we see as honorable in America is seen as a weakness in Asia. I'm talking about business, of course. And I recognize that this is a general statement, however very applicable in my experiences.

The Best Baristas!  ©StudioDeeba 2012

Negotiations were heavy...these girls really tried to pressure me to stay.  But having gained a new understanding (give an inch and a mile is taken), I held fast to leaving the country and within a few days I was on my way home, working up until an hour and half before departure. If I would have given in to stay even a few days more it would have wound up being weeks.  Once I got to America, I was screened by security because I was so ill. It took awhile but I got through and my friend Amanda was waiting outside the doors of LAX's International Airport.  I had made it home.  It took several weeks for me to recover but now I am completely healthy. Yay! :)

Coming home - me on the plane
©StudioDeeba 2012

Dinner with Friends
©StudioDeeba 2012

Indah! ©StudioDeeba 2012

I had stopped writing for quite some time because I had been warned by a colleague that I was very brave to put my feelings and thoughts in writing. That many people who do this would go "missing in the jungles." I didn't think much about what he said (believing it to be sensational) until I was reading the paper one morning while my driver took me to the project and learned that a young man had been arrested for publishing he religious beliefs on Facebook. And, I had been rushed at a cash machine as well, so this was enough for me. I stopped writing. Unable to sort out my feelings and thoughts and actually being afraid to express them. I had not realized just how wonderful the Freedom of Speech is that we have in America.

Peace! Iden and Ibu Deeba
©StudioDeeba 2012

©StudioDeeba 2012

©StudioDeeba 2012

©StudioDeeba 2012

I am a different person because of this experience. I am more centered and more confident in my business practice and at the same time realize my fortune. The friends and family I have here in my country are amazing. The friends I have made in Indonesia like Riko and Tony, Maria and Fi Fang are memorable. Riko reached out to me and gave me assistance when I thought I was going to go crazy from not having anyone to relate to. He took me places and helped me to experience Puncak and other sites within Jakarta. I shall never forget his incredible kindness and generosity. We had fun experimenting and creating new techniques in his shop. My assistant, Iden, helped me and embraced my energy and experience, learning as much as he could. I will never forget this young man and his kind heart....Maria and Fi Fang were patient and helpful, and were just there when I needed to get out and eat, shop or talk. :) And my driver Ghofir helped me to feel safe each day as he chauffeured me here and there around the city.  Both Iden and Ghofir helped me to learn Javanese and I helped them with their English.  It was fun.  :)

I wish them all well and hope that they experience great love, friendship and success in their lives as they make their way in the land of The Javanese. :)

©StudioDeeba 2012

©StudioDeeba 2012

My hope for Indonesia runs deep. I cannot put into words all I feel.  This is a country that can move in the direction of positive light and success as its Indigenous peoples experience their Independence to its fullest potential. There is so much opportunity if one just looks for it and applies themselves. What I love about the people is their ability to persevere and retain their nationality in the face of change. There is much going on in this country and it is my hope that it matures as a land of opportunity for change, maintaining an attitude of open hearts and universal acceptance of all peoples, for and by all peoples.

Gratitude ©StudioDeeba 2012

I am hopeful for this.
I miss my new friends.
I am happy to be home.
I am grateful for my fortune and the love I experience every day.
I know my spirit is greater because of this experience.



I hope that I helped to bring happiness to those who gave it to me while in Indonesia.

©2012 Studio Deeba painted for Iden