My step-father died recently.  Unexpected.  The experience has been very difficult for my family.  The emotions evoked through the loss of a loved one are nearly impossible to understand, let alone control as they are expressed.  In an effort to heal, I would like to explore some of the words and emotions that arose during the week I stayed with my family; a most trying time for us all.

Empty.  I cannot speak for my family, but my world seems flat.  Colorless.  Confusing.  Shattered. My life will never be the same.  Altered without my permission.

Grief.  The ache in the belly.  Inability to breath.  Blinking becomes difficult.  Exhaustion.  When grieving, we become motionless and time has a way of standing still.  For some, they revert to expressing joy for relief.  A memorable toast of champaign or a party to send off the soul.  Sometimes the only way back to sanity while grieving is to become insane and to lose it all so as to make way for the new way of being.

Unity.  People united to help each other through the muck and mire of making immediate decisions during such a horrible time.   People coming together for the life of those surviving.  To help heal.  To help live.  Knowing we are not alone enables us to cope.

Trust.  To trust that others are capable of doing for us when perhaps we cannot.  To trust others to care for us when we are at our most vulnerable. To trust that we will be okay without our loved one.  Trusting our Higher Power that all is as it should be.  Trust requires the release of control.

Secrets.  They are private.  The exposure of a secret can be painful and can overshadow the beauty and joy that one contributes to the world when they are alive.  Dusty magazines stuffed under the seat of an old chair, money no one knew about saved in a bank account, a card or letter found that expresses love from someone the survivors never knew. Secrets are private and should be kept so, even after passing ... but it's hard not to look, not to know, not to share.

Anger.  Quick and sudden in expression.  Usually dripping in judgement.  Deep are its cuts.  Making all vulnerable.  Purging and clearing the slate of all that is confining, constricting, too truthful, too hurtful.  Committed under a subconscious effort to move on.

Comfort.  The holding of a hand, a hug, or the look that passes between two knowing souls.  To come together and comfort each other with stories of a person's impact upon this earth are expressions of kindness, of love and bring warmth and light into the cold darkness of loss.

Compassion.  Forgiveness.  For all the moments that weren't stellar, but human.  For all the moments that might not have been great, but were just "good enough."  Understanding that we each have the right to live our lives as we see fit and not according to another's point of view.  Knowing that with time, the greatness of this soul will far outlive its struggles.

Celebration.  Honor.  Joy.  These words go together for me because they were expressed together in regard to my dad.  We celebrated his life and his love.  We gathered together and remembered him in the best of light.  The light of love.

Exhaustion. The mind and heart grow tired and weary of having to feel...to make sense...to be polite...to hug and to hold.  To cope.  To know ... to know about death is exhausting.

Acceptance.   To know there is nothing we can do to change what has happened.

Continuation.  As we all heal from this experience of great loss, we are nudged by the Universe to continue.  To live a little more deeply, with more intention and care.  To value each other a little bit more and to know that the gift of life is but a fleeting one, so we had better make the best of it while we can and hold tight to that which is of most importance to each of us, whatever that may be.