My step-father died recently.  Unexpected.  The experience has been very difficult for my family.  The emotions evoked through the loss of a loved one are nearly impossible to understand, let alone control as they are expressed.  In an effort to heal, I would like to explore some of the words and emotions that arose during the week I stayed with my family; a most trying time for us all.

Empty.  I cannot speak for my family, but my world seems flat.  Colorless.  Confusing.  Shattered. My life will never be the same.  Altered without my permission.

Grief.  The ache in the belly.  Inability to breath.  Blinking becomes difficult.  Exhaustion.  When grieving, we become motionless and time has a way of standing still.  For some, they revert to expressing joy for relief.  A memorable toast of champaign or a party to send off the soul.  Sometimes the only way back to sanity while grieving is to become insane and to lose it all so as to make way for the new way of being.

Unity.  People united to help each other through the muck and mire of making immediate decisions during such a horrible time.   People coming together for the life of those surviving.  To help heal.  To help live.  Knowing we are not alone enables us to cope.

Trust.  To trust that others are capable of doing for us when perhaps we cannot.  To trust others to care for us when we are at our most vulnerable. To trust that we will be okay without our loved one.  Trusting our Higher Power that all is as it should be.  Trust requires the release of control.

Secrets.  They are private.  The exposure of a secret can be painful and can overshadow the beauty and joy that one contributes to the world when they are alive.  Dusty magazines stuffed under the seat of an old chair, money no one knew about saved in a bank account, a card or letter found that expresses love from someone the survivors never knew. Secrets are private and should be kept so, even after passing ... but it's hard not to look, not to know, not to share.

Anger.  Quick and sudden in expression.  Usually dripping in judgement.  Deep are its cuts.  Making all vulnerable.  Purging and clearing the slate of all that is confining, constricting, too truthful, too hurtful.  Committed under a subconscious effort to move on.

Comfort.  The holding of a hand, a hug, or the look that passes between two knowing souls.  To come together and comfort each other with stories of a person's impact upon this earth are expressions of kindness, of love and bring warmth and light into the cold darkness of loss.

Compassion.  Forgiveness.  For all the moments that weren't stellar, but human.  For all the moments that might not have been great, but were just "good enough."  Understanding that we each have the right to live our lives as we see fit and not according to another's point of view.  Knowing that with time, the greatness of this soul will far outlive its struggles.

Celebration.  Honor.  Joy.  These words go together for me because they were expressed together in regard to my dad.  We celebrated his life and his love.  We gathered together and remembered him in the best of light.  The light of love.

Exhaustion. The mind and heart grow tired and weary of having to feel...to make sense...to be polite...to hug and to hold.  To cope.  To know ... to know about death is exhausting.

Acceptance.   To know there is nothing we can do to change what has happened.

Continuation.  As we all heal from this experience of great loss, we are nudged by the Universe to continue.  To live a little more deeply, with more intention and care.  To value each other a little bit more and to know that the gift of life is but a fleeting one, so we had better make the best of it while we can and hold tight to that which is of most importance to each of us, whatever that may be.

Turning Changing Realizing Accepting Becoming

Recently I had a birthday - sigh -

My father and step mother, my beautiful
sisters and me.

However, it didn't start out with a sigh but a giggle.  Beginning with a 7:00 a.m. wake-up call to breakfast with my friends the Greenbergs.  We met at a delicious little pancake house in the Ranch.  Larry chose the decadent dutch pancake that rises sky high before falling flat, exhausted and ready to be consumed...dressed with an ample sprinkling of powdered sugar; food for the soul.  Yvonne and I also experienced a touch of the naughty, ordering omelets stuffed to capacity with goodies that would make anyone overeat while still taking half home for later snacking.

We greeted each other as if we had met the previous week only it had been months...many months since we had seen each other.  This is the experience great friends have.  Duties, family and careers can pull us apart, but love snaps us back into place, even if it is for brief moments captured here and there in the business and messiness of living life.

Looking beautiful, these two friends of mine, had joy and laughter and sarcasm adorning the air around them. We talked about current family events...updates on everyone.  Talked about business challenges, soulful heartaches and the promises of the future.  My friends.  A successful couple in all ways possible.  Brave, strong and fun.  Two peas in a pod, enhance the promise of love for me.  One can only hope to attain the bond of friendship and love they exhibit between them.

My ma'ma, Whacky Jackie

So this is how I began my day.  My special day.  Well.  The rest of the day was filled with rest, contemplation, walks and text messages from my family and friends.  How lovely.  People don't really do cards any more, and so there was none of that.  Just quiet reflection with a happy heart.

I thought about the challenges of the past year (my birthday occurs in January and so it is my time to review and set goals); what I had learned seemed so small compared to the obstacles that seemed insurmountable at the time.  And, the goals I have set for this new year are just as important...and as overwhelming.


Last year I cleaned my friendship house, so to speak.  I moved past some toxic experiences and friendships with guidance and wisdom through the internet, a counselor and my mother...my wise, and beautiful mother.  Sending friends on their way; separating can be difficult but made easier when you know it is the best for all concerned. Closing the door as if to guard my heart.  But in this process, making room to let the light of new friendships in....I have grown so strong and well, stable.

Making new friends, being more selective has been fun.  More intentional.  Better.  Finding friends who not only match my interests but may also challenge me, and I them.  I have a diverse and interesting group and am grateful for every one of them...albeit,
scattered across the globe.

One of my paintings in progress...

My goals for this next year involve more "art parties" at my home, blog entries, and writing gigs as well as painting gigs.  I have published artwork and also an article last year with the intention of combining my ability to paint with my ability to write.  There will be a new website designed to support these two ambitions.  I would like to interview interesting people.  To share them with the world.  Not the ones who are already "out there" but to share with the reader someone who could be living next door.  Someone who lost their mother at an early age and overcame the thread of abandonment that coursed through her life as she went on to accomplish great things from one country to the next.  I would also like to elevate my style of painting by bringing the element of story telling into the compositions.  My style is rather clean.  "Brought down to the basics," an avid surveyor of my work shared at my art show last year.  I'm rather minimalistic.  I'm finding people want more.  And so I will stretch and grow in this regard.  My first attempt is on the right:

And so I invite you.  Come with me on this journey.  I'm happy you are interested.  It will require living deeply: Getting involved.  Embracing the messy and then making order out of "it."  Seeing Humor in all things.  And then laughing. Being intentional.  Accomplishing joyous achievements.  Sprinkling in a little sarcasm.  Being positive - even when it hurts.  Moving through experiences.  Letting go.  Creating.  Hoping.  Designing.  Searching.  Enlightening........hey!  I've only got 30 or so good years left so, let's get cracking!